awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
