dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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