I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I have post one night stand depression
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize