What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i think i just lost a toe
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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