mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
