Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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