I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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