I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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