be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
