I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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