If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My first STD was from a foam party
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
