Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
