shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
