yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
