when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
