I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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