I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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