she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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