so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You made out with two different species that night
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
