I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
id be glad to
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
