I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
