The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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