I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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