I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
