watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
