So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
