Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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