I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
