Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
