He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
