Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
