Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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