I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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