What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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