I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
