I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Randomize
