I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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