There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
