So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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