Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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