not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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