How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
