I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
