I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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