Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
