This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
