I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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