my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
