dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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