And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
