I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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