Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Did I show you my penis last night?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
