I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
