this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
