I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
