Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize