her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
