My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
