i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
