the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
