we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize