She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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