there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize